Today I feel Ugly

It's like you're a drug, It's like you're a demon I can't face down. It's like I'm stuck, It's like I'm running from you all the time. And I know I let you have all the power, It's like the only company I seek is misery all around.

I haven't felt like this in a long time. Questions, running through my head. What was wrong with me? What major defect did I have that made them all feel the need and desire to cheat on me? The fact that they did makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. The whole idea is like a razor that I keep with me to torture myself for days over. I feel so alone, undesirable and unattractive. I feel like a leper or a freak from a carnival.

I don't know why I let myself get hung up over this. But I do. I guess it's cos this last time, I thought I could trust this person. I thought things were genuine and meaningful. But again, something about me pushes them away and toward other, more desirable, women.

Today I feel ugly. I want regret.

Apple

; _ ; I just lost all of my music. ALL OF IT. And all of my music was removed off the family computer. OMG. I'm gonna CRY!

Waking up is Hard to Do

I can't get this song out of my head. It's so catchy. Say Anything has quickly become one of those bands that I put on repeat. My music listenings have consisted of Cake, Muse, AfI, Placebo, System, Serj, and Say Anything. Those are like the only things that I'll listen to straight for 4 hours while I'm playing WoW. So much to do today. Oh my.

Christmas is like, almost here and I haven't finished anything. Oh dear god. I'm so screwed. God only knows what my grades will be like. Oh poo.

My eye is so gross right now, all gushy and gross. and I'm not hungry. I don't wanna eat anything. I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday. It's weird.

Feed Us

Wired were the eyes of a horse on a jet piolot one that smiled when they flew over the bay.

e___e can't sleep. Can't study. So congested!

Angry Boy, A bit too Insane

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend.

My ears hurt. I think they're infected. Poop.

:sigh: What did I do wrong? I'm getting really tired of feeling bad for him getting sad, especially when I don't know what I did wrong. And he doesn't tell me what's wrong. I don't want to deal with it right now, I just don't.

Battlegrounds

60 HK's today. :P YAY. I'm so excited. 'cept I need to be a higher lvl so I can be l33t and rule the world. :X

Weird week this week. And last week. Crazybonesman.

I'm kind of confused, kind of happy, and kind of hurt all in one. Why did he call. Maybe we can have a normal relationship as friends now. But overall, I still feel kind of hurt, and he should too after all we did to each other.

:/ It was wrong for either of us to do. Maybe we can move past that and just be friends. The just being part is the hard one.

Addict.

"This man that I met was perfect for me and I was lucky enough to see him standing there, right in front of me. And he was meant for me."

Every other Thursday, I haven't thought of them in a while.

Wierd dream. So real, I could feel it. ; _ ; What does it mean?

I sense a Disturbance in the Force.

And it kept me up all night. Just couldn't sleep.

Sentimental..

All of the cheesy songs come on when I'm going through something hard or emotionally painful.

But if you fall back into my life
I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by
I could never leave this war unsung
I want to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life
I'd spend every night waking up to the beat I hear inside
Telling me to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life
I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by
I could never leave this world undone
I could never leave this war unsung
I want to be your only one

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like an object. I almost never feel like a person. I feel like an object that is grabbed at, poked at, pulled at, squeezed at, or just looked at. I've come to the point where men only see objects. They don't see people. They don't see the need to just be held and talked to and cooed at. They don't see the insecurities, they don't see the stress, the dismay, the damsel in distress that secretly wants to be held and told everything will be okay, we can get through it together.

Yes, sometimes I feel like an object. But it's just for a few days.

"...No one receives a zero because they have tried."

Got an A on my first penn paper. Had a crazy dream about driving stick shift home from the shore. Crazyness.
Almost lvl 20.
Feel tons better
Dog is NUTZ
My tummy is dissolving a brick.
I like Lazy Eye.
:D Work today.

Mono, part deux??

So they think I have mono again, and they think I have tonsillitus, and they think I have a bacterial inflamation in my ears and throat... ; _ ; Oh boy. Got a blood test, and a throat culture. OH JOY!

A Trip to Bellmawr

So, if I want my laptop, I have to go pick it up in Bellmawr, right by the Bonner's house. As silly as it may be, I miss Mrs. Bonner and Mr. Bonner. I miss that strange lifestyle I had just a year ago. I miss Bruce, I miss the kitties, I miss how people would just walk in. I miss the mattress on the floor, I miss it. :sigh:

So should I just try and get it tomorrow? Or should I try and pick it up today? Maybe Laura will go with me...

What else is new?

So apparently, my nick name at school is cuntface. No one from the I-house liked me last year. xD No surprise, mutherfawkingslackers. Haha, just 'cos I'm an achiever and they're party people I suppose. So yeah, I'm quite amused. At least I'm not a cuntface that has syphalis all over it like Frump-a-lumps. And I don't complain about how sick I am and that's why I don't go to school for 4 weeks at a time. My god. And they only hate me 'cos they're grades were all C's. They deserved it and I'd do it again too. Who needs malicious bastards who all backstab each other anyway.

And who needs friends who don't stand up for you when those bastards are talking smack about you?

:sigh: In actuallity, I'm kind of distressed over the whole thing. But not really. I've conquered the demon ice queen and we've become warm and cozy, much like I conquered the Della-Demon last year. If I go on like this and keep conquering 1 demon at a time per year and keep aquiring more anti-caite fans by 7 every year/semester, I'm gonna have a shitton of people hating me. xD Oh boy, another fanfuckingtastic year at the Academy.

When you're singing the blues...

... there's nothing like best friend advice and story sharing.

"And my friend..freaked out at me. "Are you crazy? Your ex has already been with other girls. You know why? Because he UPGRADED from you. And yet you're still sitting here pining over him when there's someone else who could be so much better for you and yet you won't even give him a chance."

... just angry and frustrated.

PFFFFFTtttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111!

!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!11!1

OMG.

I'm all mixed up and don't know what to do. ; _ ;

Boxing Match

So mom and I had our first real go at it. She's under a lot of stress I guess. But she snapped at me, wouldn't talk to me, and I left.

Then, in the morning, she expects an apology from me. I go ape. I'm screaming, in hysterics. I can't breath. I'm crying, I'm speaking garbled english. I told her that I'm sorry that she snapped at me, I'm sorry that her life sucks, I'm sorry that she has a failing marriage, I'm sorry that her life is a shit hole, I'm sorry that I don't know how to make it better. After all that, I just left the house in tears. We're only on casual speaking terms now, only 'cos Jack was here. Thank god, I couldn't take another night of it.

WTFAWK

I guess that's how things work. When I'm horny, he's tired and goes home. When he's horny, I'm tired and I bite the bullet.

Rough day at school. I hate life. I wish this goddamn headache would just go away and leave me the fuck alone. I need more sleeping pills. Curse over sleeping on my alarm. Goddamnit.

Weird dreams. Just plain weird and stupid. What the hell is causing them?

He's the kind of boy you want so bad it makes you sorry...

Bad dreams. Well, not really bad. Just dreams I shouldn't be having.

Raw Poeticism

"...Let my live my life like a storm through paradise..."
~J. Koz

:D I didn't know he was so poetic.

T.V. Carpio

"..Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand.."

What happens to the things that were once sweet and pure?

Boys and Girls of Every Age...

"...Boys and girls of every age, wouldn't you like to see something strange...?"

Yeah, how about me picking you apart, layer by layer, piece by piece while you watch helplessly strapped down to my dining room table, with duct tape over your mouth. And if you faint, I'll only wait till you regain conciousness so I can continue dissecting your stupid twitty meaningless vessel good for nothing except for annoyances and getting fat.

OMG. I hate children, and if that number ever calls the store again, I will bitch them out so bad. That or just call the cops on their asses and feel content with what I've just done. Who knows. But my god, I HATE children. At least some days I do.

"Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?

Come with us and you will see
This, our town of Halloween

This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Pumpkins scream in the dead of night

This is Halloween, everybody make a scene
Trick or treat till the neighbors gonna die of fright
It's our town, everybody screm
In this town of Halloween

I am the one hiding under your bed
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red

I am the one hiding under yours stairs
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair

This is Halloween, this is Halloween

Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song

In this town, don't we love it now?
Everybody's waiting for the next surprise

Round that corner, man hiding in the trash cam
Something's waiting no to pounce, and how you'll...

Scream! This is Halloween
Red 'n' black, slimy green

Aren't you scared?

Well, that's just fine
Say it once, say it twice
Take a chance and roll the dice
Ride with the moon in the dead of night

Everybody scream, everbody scream

In our town of Halloween!

I am the clown with the tear-away face
Here in a flash and gone without a trace

I am the "who" when you call, "Who's there?"
I am the wind blowing through your hair

I am the shadow on the moon at night
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright

This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
Halloween! Halloween!

Tender lumplings everywhere
Life's no fun without a good scare

That's our job, but we're not mean
In our town of Halloween

In this town

Don't we love it now?

Skeleton Jack might catch you in the back
And scream like a banshee
Make you jump out of your skin
This is Halloween, everyone scream
Wont' ya please make way for a very special guy

Our man jack is King of the Pumpkin patch
Everyone hail to the Pumpkin King

This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song

La la-la la, Halloween! Halloween!"

Blahhhh.

"Ride with the Moon in the dead of night."

Made Jack's family's 1, 2, 3 4 cake. I guess it turned out alright. He and his mom and dad seemed to think so. The ass hole isn't coming home tonight, which is exciting. I got pastry bags and everything, so I can do cookies the right way. Finally.


Hormones are low. Emotionally drained. Cutting classes. I don't have any drive anymore. Burnt out.

Oceans

"Maybe it's time I put a profile up of who I want to be, fool everyone, I can start over clean. I can hide behind a big blue screen..."

I Can Feel My Lungs Explode

Silence is a bitter friend.

Stray Cats

This morning, I left a little earlier than usual for school. I think it was by 7 AM. Why I had the urge to, I don't really know. But I did and I'm glad for it.

I got out at 8th and market and decided to walk above ground, that was really odd seeing that I travel bellow ground until I reach 12th and filbert. But it seems that today, everything fell in to place.

I arrived at school at 7:25 and noticed a meowing. A cat was clinging by its claws to the building and was slowly sliding down until it hit the sidewalk. A man named.. Ben? called the animal welfare and he had to go to work, so he left and I stayed with the cat with a box that I found and my hoodie which is now presumeably ruined. But anyway...

I boxed the cat and tucked him in with my hoodie and he turned out to be quite docile. I waited for 30 minutes and still no animal welfare. I tried to ask a fellow academy student(an adult) but she just put her head up and puffed out her chest and retorted: "I have no time". I felt like I was a lepper or a beggar. No one would stop and help me, no one would get me water even when I offered them money. I just wanted to help the poor animal. Finally at 8:15 I called Della and she brought out a coffee ground holder and we filled it with water. The cat wouldn't drink. 8:20 rolled around and still no animal welfare, I finally ran to my teacher.

He's worked in a few shelters doing volunteer work, so he ran to his office and brought out a large box, some bedding material, cat food, and a can of tuna and some plates. I was amazed. We brought the cat in and he was as loving as any being could be. He purred, he nudged, he was the perfect cat. I felt good that I could save him.

His wiskers were singed and curled, his fur was stiff in patches, and his tail broken. He found a home a little less than half an hour later with a second year student named Britta. I'm glad. Britta seemed delighted and carried him around all day. And he just perched on her shoulder or in her arms whilst she carried him all over. They seem like a great pair.

I wish I had more money so I could have kept him. ; _ ; Oh well, he found a better home.

This Could Be Love

Thinking of you.. <3

EWWWWWW

Men are disgusting creatures at times. >.<

Ewww. Maybe I should be a lesbian.

Crazy Game of Poker

"What to do my wallets gettin' thin and I just lost my dog last night. There's a man smilin next to me Red was smilin' 'cos it's funny I don't got no money..."

Well, mom is out of a job since her patient died. And we all know that the son of a bitch won't do anything to help her. She needs to find a new patient fast. Damnit. I wish he wasn't such a sick fuck. Hell, I wish they had a normal marriage, then we wouldn't have to worry. :sigh: c'est la vie, I guess, it still sucks though.

Well, what else does Karma have to throw?

Pick Me Up

Hope for the worst, that way you can never dissapoint yourself.

Karma is the type of thing that loves to kick me in the gut when I'm already down and curled up in the fetal position.

I was Doing Fine

I go about my business. I was doing fine.

I'm never sleeping again. That was the craziest dream ever. I must have had sex with like... 4 different people. Jesus. 3 different women, and 1 man. Wow. All at different times, all to decide who was the best. Birthday dreams are crazy. It must be the pot boxers I'm wearing or something.

Jewel

Dreams scare me. This one was so vivid, when I woke up I was actually convinced that we did have a full out conversation and that today was in fact wednesday, not tuesday. I'm a little freaked at how convincing it was.

School is looming overhead of me and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Jaque finally met my family, a little too many for a first time though. He met 75 people yesterday, family overload if you ask me. But it had to happen sooner or later.

Fun in the mountains catching toads and petting horses and watching little cousins. Oh family fun.

Freedom

See my bonds break. Freedom.

"...From a certain point on, there is no turning back. That is the point that must be reached..."

-Kafka

WHY?!

Was I not good enough for you in bed? Was I not entertaining? Were my breasts not big like Crystal's? Was I not psychotic enough like Kat? Did I not abuse you enough like the three of them? Was I not as manipulative as any of them? Was I not blue collar red neck white trashy enough for you? Was I not a big enough whore for you? Was I not stupid enough for you? Was I too innocent? Was I too insecure? Did I not cling to you tightly enough? Did I not offer myself and flaunt myself to you like your whores? I don't know, but right now I'm bitter and ugly.

But I think I knew all the while. All of your moodiness. You clinging too tightly. I knew in the end I think. That's why we never cut our ties. In the end, it never really mattered. I think I got the last laugh.

Scattered, explosions like fireworks;
Emotionless, embers burning to ashes.

Punctuations, missused and missplaced;
Used, emphasizing emotional mistakes.

This is living the duldrums.

Bleed for Me.

Burn like the sun, with pure intentions.
Blow like the wind, just a whisper.
Unseen, Unheard and Unknown.
Unearned, Unloved and Unlived.
Break through me, as if made of glass.
Undo me, See through me.

Every tear I shed was in vain. It was all for nothing. Our whole relationship was a joke, a lie. How could we even call that a relationship? :sigh: Nobody plays the fool better than myself.

And he let me beat myself up over something stupid like kissing. If he could only see my tear stained face.

Black Hole Sun

:sigh: I hate parties. It's been decided. No more. They're pointless.

Horrible day at work. Covered in throw up. Oh boy. Blaaah. Goddamn.

Allergencias

Allergies suck, a lot. Nose is runny, gotta go to work. It's hot as balls. ZOMG, I'm going to die.

For some damned reason I keep looking at that christmas card. I'm the one that's being pathetic. It's been 6 months already. Jesus Christ, I'm the pathetic one. I've been crying my eyes out and vomitting for the past 3 hours or so now and I still feel miserable. Vomitting 'cos of food poisoning, and crying because I'm weak and can't get over this. I have everything, yet I have nothing. What's wrong with me.

Looking Back on You

06.13.07/11.11

Looking back at you right now. It makes me wish that I never said the things I said to you or promise any of those things that I couldn't make true. I'm sorry. And the only thing that can be said is that I miss you and I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking that you weren't worth the time or the effort. I was wrong in giving in and moving on. And now you're better off. I wish that you thought of me, but knowing what I did to you only makes me think more strongly that you don't. I'm being a pity whore right now. A drama queen, a total moronic bitch.

And the only thing I want to say is I miss you.

Yeah. Not much else to Say.

So Jordan cracked his head open. There's an alligator in Hopkins Pond. I'm failing school (question mark?). I'm addicted to Wii boxing/bowling. I'm probably not getting into Penn. And my mom hates me.

Tripping over Laces

It feels like my feet are tied together, like I'm tripping over shoe laces. I can't stop falling. I can't stop failing.

Baah.

Racism

22.04/04.25.07

So it wasn't Keith that my dad hated. It's all men in general that I bring into this house. It wasn't just one specific person, although the earring, the long hair, and the clothing didn't help. I brought my friend Rawleigh over a few times now, and I added two and two together; my dad is a racist.

I want to kill him. He's so embarrassing. All of my friends are nice. They're funny, outgoing, great people. Why does he have to go out of his way to be rude in front of them, why can't he just go hide out in his hole like he usually does?

I'm angry and frustrated right now. And right now I don't give a fuck about everything that I have to accomplish tomorrow.

Fuck it.

Skip to my Lou

20.25/04.24.07

Skipped school today to hang out with my Peng'in. Took a two hour nap. Came home around 6 and had dinner. God I'm beat, and it's only 8.30... e_____e

Smokin' Aces?? Blam blam blam??

"Can you still remember how it seemed that we could live forever in a lover's dream?"

07.10/04.11.07

Went bowling monday night. Got home around 3 am? Late nights.. blegh. Went to bed so early last night but then couldn't fall asleep till about 10. Woke up after my alarm didn't go off around 6.45 and then took a shower. Still haven't found his body yet. This really sucks for his mom.

Hey Jude..

19.39/04.09.07

So Laura texts me that JT jumped off a bridge sunday morning and they cant find his body. And I walk in to school finding most of my shit that was pilferrable, pilferred. Fucking great day. Lemme tell ya.

Everywhere

09.21/04.07.07

In the papers, on the TV, everywhere.

The Gleanings of an Empty Heart

20.21/04.05.07

Everywhere I go, there are reminders. The trees we used to climb; meetings in the graveyard, except, this one leaves and doesn't walk hand in hand with me and my dog home. This one leaves to his car and drives away, alone, sad, angry, I don't know. Just away, away to being alone.

The quack of ducks, barefooted walks through grass, rolling down those grassy hills, playing hide and seek, watching the venture brothers, listening to HIM and the Offspring, seeing his mom everyday behind the counter, bunnies, Doom, Family gatherings, cards, pictures, friends, pages, journals, drawings, stickers, buttons, sounds, smells, touch. Everything. Food, places, people, engines, vans, blues, blacks, laughs, shoes, pants, shirts, earrings, dreams, nightmares, tears, pain. Everything. Words, colours, games, WoW, children laughing, movies, soup, symbols, apples, CDs, songs, pants, pillows, patterns of light, shapes, drives, sleep. Everything.

He's everywhere, in everything. What do I want? Faxe once said: "The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next." It's true. You can't live your life by planning your months and weeks play by play, you can't even do it day by day. You have to live your life as it comes to you. Roll with the punches.

The War We Wage

17.01/04.04.07

...is it even intentional? It's probably just another figment of my imagination, missing something, missing someone; dreaming of another day, another time and place. I wonder if he even reads this. I doubt it. I'm just another exgirlfriend.

Aside from that, I'm feeling a bit deflated this afternoon. Blaaah.

Word of the Day: Dji'warr

10.01/04.02.07

The word of the day is Dji'warr, pronounced Di'jeh warrr, meaning sky.

I don't think I'll ever see Jack again. lol I loaned him my PS1 and a couple games. He's never coming out into the light again. He has a very intense and addictive personality. So all that talk about missing me and wanting to see me everyday probably means nothing now, and his time will just be consumed by Cloud and Zidane.

Oh well, boys will be boys, right?

What a Surprise.

18.44/03.26.07

What a surprise. Cait's sick, again! But nothing major this time. Just a common cold. lol I still feel like crap though. I'm going to bed, and it's not even seven yet. lol. Oh boy. Gotta stop that partying... And apparently, I've been grumpy and depressed for a week now, or at least that's what John tells me.

An Addiction

10.52/03.26.26

It's like a fucking addiction. I definitly check that page like everyday. Hoping and waiting for I don't know what. Goddamn.

Don't See the Hills Have Eyes II. And if you do, wait for it to come out on DVD.

St. Pat's Day

15.02/03.18.07

Didn't do anything too exciting last night. I hung out with my family for a while and was the DD. Had corn beef and cabbage, my favorite meal that bobsie makes. She and Karyn bought 21 lbs of meat! OMG. It was so good. I was impatient 'cos I got a text from Jack saying that he wanted to talk to me in person. I wanted to get home. Got home 1 and a half hours later than expected... -_-;;; But I got home to say the least. Met him outside of 3beans 'cos it was closed. Was greeted with a friendly hug and a kiss. ^___^

And then he asked me out and I said yes. And I was happy for the rest of the evening. We pretty much did nothing all evening and just hung out and drank at Martyn's. I still have my Stoli. So we're good. lol I joked around when I walked in to Martyn's and said that I was Mrs. Jack Kozlowski, and now Jack keeps calling me that. It's kind of cute lol. Haha.

Yeahhh. So that was my day of celebration. ^.^

Look What Happened

14.25/03.15.07

And I swear it's the last time, I swear it's my last try. We'll walk in circles around this whole block, walk on the cracks of the same old side walk. And we'll talk about leaving town, yeah we'll talk about leaving town, I swear this is my last try...

Weird afternoon man. I'm so tired yet all I've done is sleep. Talked to Keith this afternoon... weird conversation. He watched the birth of puppies this morning. That was sweet of him. I'm bored out of my fucking skull. Being sick sucks. Fucking pneumonia/bronchitus.

Merry Christmas

09.49/03.15.07

I found one of his cards this morning. It was the one right before he left that he made with the canary drawn on the inside. I read it over again, I still don't know why I have them. Every time I read them, I get all bleary eyed. That last one was filled with so much.. I don't even remember why I was angry at him then. He said he'll always wait for me and he'll always care. I can't help but think that it's not true now since things ended so badly.

Remember Caite, no one will ever wait for you and no one will ever care. You never let anybody get that close.

All Adventures Begin with a Big Mac.

13.01/03.11.07


Or rather, most of them did.


It started with me getting sick during spring break. And then me having cravings for big macs. lol. So yesterday, Saturday, was Julia and Joy's party, which was a black light party. I went out all day Saturday 'cos it was gorgeous out and came home but left again around 5 and went up the TC's. Which then proceeded to be an adventure to Duo's. After waiting for like...1 hour and 45 minutes, we finally got food and went back to TC's. Didn't really wanna go to the party, but ended up going and called Martyn. He showed up around 8.30pm and it started around 9.20. I was running around in a little wife beater and just that. I beat Michael in beer pong. Didn't have too much to drink and people started to pour in. I left around... 10:50 so I was home around 11.00pm. As soon as I get there, I notice the lights weren't on. I was locked out of my house. I called the house phone, I called the cell phone, I knocked on the door. Nobody answered. I was hysterical so I called Laura and walked back to Joy's house to go pee. Kelsey was drunk... bad omen.


Laura picked me up at the high school. Drove back to my house. Left a note on my door to tell my mom what I did and where I was. I was going back to Martyn's house to go sleep. Drove to McDonald's. Wasn't open. Walked over to Wendy's. Wasn't open. lollll. Meghan Gavin was in the parking lot with Dan and Lauren. Hung out with them for two minutes. Went to Jack's house from there.


Snuggled with him for a long while. Called the cops on his neighbor's next door. I'm such a cranky old lady. Took a little nap together while watching Samurai Champloo. His mom came down as the kids next door vacated the area. lol. She laughed that I called the cops. xD


Jack drove me over to Martyn's house. I found a very drunk Kelsey throwing up in Martyn's toilet. And a very drunk Martyn trying to help her. loooool. so I kind of took care of the both of them while kelsey continued to spew up alcohol.


Put both of them to bed. Stayed up to make sure Kelsey wouldn't vomit in the bed. Waited till 4.30 until her breathing was nice and even and I stopped stroking her head and curled up on the floor.


I woke up at 6.15 and put on my shoes. Walked home. It was really dark outsided. Lights were on in my house so I was thankful. Door was still locked. Knocked on the window. Mom jumped and opened the door. She didn't even notice that I was gone. lol. Awesome. Told her my tale. She got pissed at dad. I went to bed. At around 7, she started yelling at dad. I was too tired to really care or listen. I'm just pissed off that he locked me out. Whether it was on purpose like I'm assuming or by accident, regardless, I'm pissed and I don't give a flying fuck what he does now. I'm not talking to him or doing anything with him. Fuck him. I don't care. God. I'm so tired... meh.

Trying the Two Extremes

12.22/03.06.07

So after being hight out of my fucking skull last night. I decided to try being drunk out of my fucking mind tonight. I suceeded and found out that Grey Goose will turn me into a suicidal alcholic. Apparently, I left hooked my friend 'cos he took my razor away 'cos I wanted to kill myself. And then I curled up in the bathroom against the wall rocking back and forth screaming, "Don't touch me you fucking pedophyle" everytime either of them tried to touch me to make me stand up and not passout. Yeah, I'm a pleasant drunk, lemme tell you. Especially when I drink 'cos I'm upset. 73 dollars in booze, all gone in one weekend. My god, I've got problems.

So after 3 hours, I'm finally starting to sober up. I still want to kill myself, but am finally having second thoughts about it. Wow, I'm cool. Yeah, I know. Jeeez. I have to go into HS to see if they sent my transcripts. I'm out. Peace dawgs.

One Bad Trip

09.38/03.04.07

I will NEVER smoke pot again. That was the worst feeling I ever had. That 'high' that I got lasted for about 3 hours and the whole time I didn't feel like I was there at all. I had to keep feeling sensations like pain, or jolting myself to actually believe I was breathing and walking at the same time. I kept biting the insides of my cheek, biting my tongue, stumbling, anything to make me more aware. It was so bad.

I couldn't focus. The background and foreground kept going in and out, I couldn't make up my mind which one I wanted to see. That constant fight of seeing freaked me out the most. I couldn't control myself. It was so bad.

Saw the number 23 last night. It was alright. I liked it, but my friends didn't. I thought it would have been better, but it was still worth seeing.

Friday into Saturday, I choked. Funniest thing that's EVER happened to me. XD Oh my god, he must thing I'm such a loser. lol Work today. Spring break this week. Oh fucking joy.

Journey to la Forge

19.07/03.01.07

So after Intaglio, I went to the shop for work study and watched them pour bronze from the crucible into a mold. It was really cool to watch. it's like a 4 person job; two of which control the crucible, and the other two scrape it and play with the mold. Afterwards, John continued from where he left off yesterday and started to show me how to weld steal together.

First he showed me how to make joints and then weld inbetween them so that the heat/electricity is distributed equally, and then he showed me how to weld in lines. So after a few failed attempts, (4 to be exact), he finally instructed me while I was doing it. I was shaking so bad, lol. He makes me really nervous, but it got better once I had some comic relief and bumped heads with him. I made 4 good welding lines. It got a lot easier to do after I got it once, I still can't make them as wide as he'd like them, but I'm getting there. I've decided that I really like it in the sculpting department.

That's going to be my major, and I'll grab a drawing minor. I can't wait till next year. I get to sit in with cadavers and draw/dissect them. ^.^ I'm so excited about it. I can't wait.

But anyway, I welded stuff, sparks flew everywhere, it's so cool! ^.^ And the hum of the electricity is crazy. ^.^

Cling

17.52/02.28.07
So yeah, no apartment for me. I'm not willing to spend money that I don't need to. I'll suffer for the next 4 years and then move out. Hopefully he'll be dead by then.

Foundry work today, working with saws that cut through steal that send sparks shooting like fireworks that fizzle out in all directions. It was awesome, but so loud. I'm one of the very few girls in there, there are like 5 of us and then all the rest are men. It's kind of creepy. The joke is that All the sculptors have beards, even the women too.

Wagh, volunteer work study is paying off. lol I'm learning all the different tools and techniques. Hopefully I'll be able to stay on with them once I'm an MFA and do stuff for them.

I hate applications. I've decided that I'm just going to flounder about in my shitty ass job at the bakery. Spring break is this week, meaning tons of projects to do and then tons of work to do at the bakery.

I'm getting a laptop for my b-day, I'll need it for school at Penn and for sculpting/photo manips. lol I'm going to the darkside and getting a Mac. I should be shot.

Wok Wok Wok

18.39/02.22.07

Whoooh. Busy busy week. Mom met Jack. He reminds her of Keith and she said, "Don't get involved". lol My time is disapearing between work, school, work study, and winding down time. Busy busy busy.

Hung out with Heather last night, really missed her. She's awesome. Miss Laura.

Fidget

18.40/02.20.07

<3 Sculpture class. My sculpture is growing mold on the armature. It's cool 'cos it's all dangley, I think my professor called it Fringe Mold.

The Lumber-jack cut his hair off. :CRIES: I'm so sad, it's all gone! Yay for doing work study and not getting paid. -_-;; Whatever. An apartment could be in my future. Too bad it's not in my budget. Looks like I'll just live at home.

TeeHee

22.18/02.14/07

So, out of the blue, I get a text and he's asking if I'm gonna be in work and if so, when am I leaving. So he comes to my work and my boss comes back and is like, hey there's a guy here to see you and I'm like okay, lemme finish this cookie. And then I'm finishing the cookie and my boss is like, no, get up NOW and practically pushes me out the door to see Jack. And Jacks there standing behind the counter with his hands down low and pulls up a bunch of tulips. ^.^ I was so shocked and surprised! After having a really shitty morning, that made my day worth while. And there really was no reason or explanation for it. It was just something really nice that made my day so much brighter.

I was so embarassed though! Right in front of everybody! My ears were burning up and my face got all warm and I didn't know what to do lol. My face was read for a good 40 minutes, but luckily the walk home cooled me off. They were so pretty though. Tulips are one of my favorites, modest yet classy, and definitly not cliche. :giggles: And the card was great too. ^.^

>>Sleep for me finally? Maybe? We'll see.

Simmer

I have a bad urge to settle down and get married. I want to have a family.

Why am I thinking these strange thoughts?

I often Wondered..

And I wondered why there are scars all over my body; it's cos I'm constantly picking myself apart.

:sigh: Mom and dad have been having huge fights these past two days. I don't want to be home anymore. It really sucks.

I want to move out like I had always planned. I think I might. Sometime. Haha. Kare keeps telling me that I need to, so does Della. He and she are both right in some respects. We'll see.

Smoking way too much. 2 packs in one day, stress much?

Dreams Last for So Long

06.04/02.06.07


I had a dream this morning. Keith and I were sitting in a study hall surrounded by Kathleen Maloney, Jake Smergal and a few other people in my senior class. Keith was sitting behind me. And we weren't back together. I was feeling bold and brazen and turned around kind of shyly and planted a kiss on his lips, pressing his to mine and it felt right to me in my dream. We kissed again and again, Jake Smergal made some snide remark and I turned around and punched him in his left eye. And then, like in real life, just one kiss could solve it all, Keith and I were back together, we didn't need to say another word. Then Kathleen spilled Lemonade all over the desk and I was dreadfully confused after that. I woke up with my heart racing and me half crying.


What does it mean, what does it mean?

17.10/02.05.07


I know exactly who you are, I know exactly as far as you may go. But you're trying too hard, yeah you're trying too hard and it shows. I know exactly what you want, at least I'm pretty sure I do. but you stay here with me and there's so much more you can do. I don't want to lose it all tonight right now I feel it taking over. And I think the same each time I see the morning light. Right now I feel it getting colder. Well, I don't wanna lose it all tonight, I can't stand to see you go, but I won't let you stay


Meeh. Yeah, had a "bad" day. Caved to my hunger and smoked a lot.

Late afternoon Contemplations.

15.12/02.04.07


He stopped into my place of work today. I got all shy and quiet. I was very surprised. Later, he sent me an e-mail. Oh sweet jeebus. Here's an excerpt:

In the meantime, I’m insanely attracted to you.  The only hiccup is
your age.  1/3 of me doesn’t give a fuck at what others would say even if
we just hung out together (personally: I believe age shouldn’t bar two
souls from caring for each other), 1/3 of me is concerned about
township/family politics about our age difference (that unfortunately I HAVE
to deal with), and 1/3 of me is concerned that I might be taking
advantage of a younger soul for my “potentially selfish” desires for a
companion. What you see in my eyes is genuine, yet powerful.  Knowledge is power,
and great power demands great responsibility.  There is much mystery,
power, and yes: volumes of compassion behind these brown eyes.  You
would undoubtebly be in a world of discovery as you learn more.

Oh lordy. What to do what to do what to do. Zuru zuru, zuru zuru. Drifting drifting drifting. I'm stunned to the point of no words. Crazy weekends.

Bleed Black

13.19/2.3.07


I lied when I said I was doing this for myself. I was being dishonest with myself, thinking that I could make myself believe that what I was doing was right. I never wanted this. This is what everyone else wanted for me. They said that it wouldn't hurt, that it wouldn't be bad. Well it hurts, and it's bad. I want it all back.


I spent a good part of this morning writing a 13 paragraph long blog about last night and about the conversations I had last night. I don't want to write it all over again. But I will say that I'm unhappy with myself, I've been lying to myself. I've been deluding myself. I can't be happy with someone, until I can first be happy without someone. That sums up my evening last night.


Physical pain never hurt this bad. Why is it that this mental pain is so draining?

End of the Week

21.34/01.31.07


It seems like when you go two steps forward, I go five steps back love. I keep having dreams and I wake up crying. Even now, I'm all bleary eyed. It's silly, because I shouldn't be sad. These dreams are just me being lusty. They don't mean anything, they're just sex filled dreams of the past, filled with snuggles and kisses that followed. That means nothing, right? It doesn't mean anything. :sigh: Rough day at school. Perspective went well enough. It's cool 'cos we're doing shapes now and learning how to view them at angles and different sight lines.


Intro to sculpture, I wanted to kick myself. I had a bad "session" during lunch and regretted it afterwards, but ended up making a great drawing for Intaglio. Cut myself up some more wrestling with the chiken wire. Finished my armature. Putzed around and comtemplated the rest of my day. I just wanted to hide my head in the sand. It was that kind of day I guess.


My t-shirts came in. That was really quick. I ordered them monday and they were in by this afternoon. Talk about your speedy delivery. If Amazon.com was that fast, I would've had my venture bro's dvd. ; _ ; But whatever, I settled for Space Ghost. Watching Gothika right now and scaring myself shit less. Tomorrow will be a better day. I start my day off with Al, how could it not be a good day?

Boredom

11.54/1.29.07


Boredom drove me to JoAnne Fabric's today. And boredom drove me to making a kick ass t shirt. lol It's drying, but it's kick ass.

Colors

16.59/1.29.07


The past two weeks I have been doing super in school. Yes, I still cut out of art history, but besides that, I've been doing great with the in class work. However, today in Life painting, they introduced colors into our grizai. I almost cried. When anyone mentions the word "color" when we're painting the human figure, I freak. I can't do it. I understand color when I'm doing pastel or dry media, and I understand doing tones in raw umber, flake white, and ivory black, but I can't do it in color. I just freak out and became a bumbling idiot pushing paint on the canvas and hoping it's right.


It's so hard for me to do. I can do it in dry media, but I just can't do it in oil. It's so hard for me. I don't understand nor can I even comprehend why there is such a road block. I just can't do it. I'm a great draftsman, I'm great tonally, I'm a great scumbler. I just can't do oil color. I'm trying. I got so worked up about it, I just toned another piece of canvas and will try again on friday. I'm just so upset with myself. I don't know why I can't do this.

A Fresh Start