Cling

17.52/02.28.07
So yeah, no apartment for me. I'm not willing to spend money that I don't need to. I'll suffer for the next 4 years and then move out. Hopefully he'll be dead by then.

Foundry work today, working with saws that cut through steal that send sparks shooting like fireworks that fizzle out in all directions. It was awesome, but so loud. I'm one of the very few girls in there, there are like 5 of us and then all the rest are men. It's kind of creepy. The joke is that All the sculptors have beards, even the women too.

Wagh, volunteer work study is paying off. lol I'm learning all the different tools and techniques. Hopefully I'll be able to stay on with them once I'm an MFA and do stuff for them.

I hate applications. I've decided that I'm just going to flounder about in my shitty ass job at the bakery. Spring break is this week, meaning tons of projects to do and then tons of work to do at the bakery.

I'm getting a laptop for my b-day, I'll need it for school at Penn and for sculpting/photo manips. lol I'm going to the darkside and getting a Mac. I should be shot.

Wok Wok Wok

18.39/02.22.07

Whoooh. Busy busy week. Mom met Jack. He reminds her of Keith and she said, "Don't get involved". lol My time is disapearing between work, school, work study, and winding down time. Busy busy busy.

Hung out with Heather last night, really missed her. She's awesome. Miss Laura.

Fidget

18.40/02.20.07

<3 Sculpture class. My sculpture is growing mold on the armature. It's cool 'cos it's all dangley, I think my professor called it Fringe Mold.

The Lumber-jack cut his hair off. :CRIES: I'm so sad, it's all gone! Yay for doing work study and not getting paid. -_-;; Whatever. An apartment could be in my future. Too bad it's not in my budget. Looks like I'll just live at home.

TeeHee

22.18/02.14/07

So, out of the blue, I get a text and he's asking if I'm gonna be in work and if so, when am I leaving. So he comes to my work and my boss comes back and is like, hey there's a guy here to see you and I'm like okay, lemme finish this cookie. And then I'm finishing the cookie and my boss is like, no, get up NOW and practically pushes me out the door to see Jack. And Jacks there standing behind the counter with his hands down low and pulls up a bunch of tulips. ^.^ I was so shocked and surprised! After having a really shitty morning, that made my day worth while. And there really was no reason or explanation for it. It was just something really nice that made my day so much brighter.

I was so embarassed though! Right in front of everybody! My ears were burning up and my face got all warm and I didn't know what to do lol. My face was read for a good 40 minutes, but luckily the walk home cooled me off. They were so pretty though. Tulips are one of my favorites, modest yet classy, and definitly not cliche. :giggles: And the card was great too. ^.^

>>Sleep for me finally? Maybe? We'll see.

Simmer

I have a bad urge to settle down and get married. I want to have a family.

Why am I thinking these strange thoughts?

I often Wondered..

And I wondered why there are scars all over my body; it's cos I'm constantly picking myself apart.

:sigh: Mom and dad have been having huge fights these past two days. I don't want to be home anymore. It really sucks.

I want to move out like I had always planned. I think I might. Sometime. Haha. Kare keeps telling me that I need to, so does Della. He and she are both right in some respects. We'll see.

Smoking way too much. 2 packs in one day, stress much?

Dreams Last for So Long

06.04/02.06.07


I had a dream this morning. Keith and I were sitting in a study hall surrounded by Kathleen Maloney, Jake Smergal and a few other people in my senior class. Keith was sitting behind me. And we weren't back together. I was feeling bold and brazen and turned around kind of shyly and planted a kiss on his lips, pressing his to mine and it felt right to me in my dream. We kissed again and again, Jake Smergal made some snide remark and I turned around and punched him in his left eye. And then, like in real life, just one kiss could solve it all, Keith and I were back together, we didn't need to say another word. Then Kathleen spilled Lemonade all over the desk and I was dreadfully confused after that. I woke up with my heart racing and me half crying.


What does it mean, what does it mean?

17.10/02.05.07


I know exactly who you are, I know exactly as far as you may go. But you're trying too hard, yeah you're trying too hard and it shows. I know exactly what you want, at least I'm pretty sure I do. but you stay here with me and there's so much more you can do. I don't want to lose it all tonight right now I feel it taking over. And I think the same each time I see the morning light. Right now I feel it getting colder. Well, I don't wanna lose it all tonight, I can't stand to see you go, but I won't let you stay


Meeh. Yeah, had a "bad" day. Caved to my hunger and smoked a lot.

Late afternoon Contemplations.

15.12/02.04.07


He stopped into my place of work today. I got all shy and quiet. I was very surprised. Later, he sent me an e-mail. Oh sweet jeebus. Here's an excerpt:

In the meantime, I’m insanely attracted to you.  The only hiccup is
your age.  1/3 of me doesn’t give a fuck at what others would say even if
we just hung out together (personally: I believe age shouldn’t bar two
souls from caring for each other), 1/3 of me is concerned about
township/family politics about our age difference (that unfortunately I HAVE
to deal with), and 1/3 of me is concerned that I might be taking
advantage of a younger soul for my “potentially selfish” desires for a
companion. What you see in my eyes is genuine, yet powerful.  Knowledge is power,
and great power demands great responsibility.  There is much mystery,
power, and yes: volumes of compassion behind these brown eyes.  You
would undoubtebly be in a world of discovery as you learn more.

Oh lordy. What to do what to do what to do. Zuru zuru, zuru zuru. Drifting drifting drifting. I'm stunned to the point of no words. Crazy weekends.

Bleed Black

13.19/2.3.07


I lied when I said I was doing this for myself. I was being dishonest with myself, thinking that I could make myself believe that what I was doing was right. I never wanted this. This is what everyone else wanted for me. They said that it wouldn't hurt, that it wouldn't be bad. Well it hurts, and it's bad. I want it all back.


I spent a good part of this morning writing a 13 paragraph long blog about last night and about the conversations I had last night. I don't want to write it all over again. But I will say that I'm unhappy with myself, I've been lying to myself. I've been deluding myself. I can't be happy with someone, until I can first be happy without someone. That sums up my evening last night.


Physical pain never hurt this bad. Why is it that this mental pain is so draining?